sometimes people ask me if i’m mad and i say no by Shy Watson

order me caviar you
cheap fuck
order me caviar

my bones
become dismantled
in the rain

what more
could you want from me

my tender fragility

signed, i promise im interesting
signed, i havent told a new boy about my step dad in months

what if my heart isnt even meant to be broken
what if im wrong when i say
that everything happens for a reason
but im probably not

its windy outside
im ok but it really is windy
& im not seeking shelter

i wouldnt know what shelter was
if it fucking walked up to me

sit me on your roof deck & make me martinis
i am beautiful
i want nothing less
than i want
a big fur coat
with diamonds stitched in

accidental
trying harder
until i just cant try anymore
because it becomes very embarrassing
i am easily embarrassed
i am very scared
of everything i touch
& all the consequences

i wouldnt mind
going dancing with you
if it proves that i am gay
i want to be gay
& very, very open about it

spit me up on the sidewalk
you are spitting up on the sidewalk
& ill never
feel sorry for you
ill never feel anything for you
you are the last cheap bag
of pretzels before
i buy myself a nice meal

oops what im up against
oops who i am
and what i wear
and who i spend my time with

oops again
oops again & again
oops forever on repeat
& never ending

invite your rich-ass friends to our poetry reading
maybe
they will buy our books
i want to go down on you

but i am brooding
& bleeding
& generally gross

why the laughter

why the joke is on me & every past relationship
i’ve ever entertained

i am
a sick, sick girl

when no one is waiting on the subway platform
i realize that i am waiting
and that i will be
for a very long time

is this an epic
am i drunk on miller high lifes
will my lab results come back
am or am i not almost dead
& why on earth do i even care

i downloaded bitmoji for you
i never even got to send you
one
we never even got to play pool
not that it really matters
not that my responses really matter
or that anyone loves me

i used to be younger
& dumber
& more relatable
i guess im relatable
i guess im trying really hard
& throwing myself all over your fucking towel
then texting my ex about it

boys in blue button-ups scare me
boys in blue button-ups can fucking DIE

big beautiful trans woman exiting the subway
big beautiful woman,
without you,
i am nothing

shy watson is a poet & painter living in philadelphia, pa. she has two chapbooks, AWAY STATUS & my parents were going to give me your name if i was born a boy (Bottlecap Press 2016, 2017). she is the poetry editor for fields magazine, and she tweets at @sadsects